SHAKEN BUT NOT MY FAITH

Selfishness

How hard I felt. How hard I doubted the creator. How openly I laughed, mocked and joked, only because I was mad and MY stuff was not going MY way. Me and me and myself. What a selfish word. I don’t remember the exact time where doubt clouded me. For I tried my best not to stop reading that bible. At least have a verse of a day. And hold on to it as much as possible, for we knew our hearts had doubts. We knew our hearts were shaken. Some things had taken over our heads. And all we could think about was me, me, me. Again, what a selfish world. And selfish I was. So mad, in pain, thinking only about what I wanted to achieve. In the coming days and in the now. Seeing that I have not achieved most of what I thought I would have achieved, I fell for the lie. That lie that lies within me, for I have only seen my ancestors fail. That lie that pushed me so hard in the past, that involves all those who say we had failed. They are part of the family. . And then pushed hard in the future. The great unknown. That which no one is certain of, apart from him who holds it. That which I felt and saw within, but not tangible for the realm I am in. A day we all look forward to. One day it will never be the same. so we say. One day all this will be gone. One day, I will be happy, one day I will smile. One day I will get a man, one day this and the one day that. Feels like we continue to chase for a day that doesn’t exist. Perform for an imaginary audience. Not knowing nobody really cares. For are a generation stuck in our phones and in our heads. We move through life growing up without really growing up. We sit and discuss plans for the future, we sit and analyze how we cant repeat the mistakes from our past, we speak on how to save the world, and yet, we do all these for our selfish reasons. For we have to make sure the situation brings the benefits back to us in one way or another. But things don’t always go as planned. For plans do change sometimes, and that means, the original plan did not result as desired. This is where we find ourselves doubting. This is where we judge a lot. This is when we forget we are not alone. When we forget that maybe life still works for our own good. That with the right time, things will be better than they are. Better than they have ever been. But will they really be. Are we really walking towards better and not towards worse. Are we building more or are we destroying it all? For honestly I don’t know. Should I be excited when a baby is born or should I worry that the world we are bringing them in is so corrupt. Full of people who act like the way they did in Gaza. A human capable of saying kill. Blow it all up. A human in such pain, is a bomb himself. I can’t help but wonder how some of us sleep at night. Who do we go back to at home?. After having the type of day we normally have. Do you look forward to the end of the day so you can spend time with family or do you look forward to it so you can leave that job you hate and go home where there is peace. And there are some of us, who have no home to go back to. No building that we can reference as a home. Some who do have beautiful houses but do not feel like home for all their loved ones are gone.? Another said, ‘’the world is not my home, I am just passing by’’. Then why do you labor humans? If not for your selfish reasons? and yet we say, we do it for everybody else. Who are humans, that they suffer and die. What are humans, that life is nothing but a flash they pass by without realizing why they passed by. Alive and then gone. Like a shadow that was never known. If you are lucky enough, maybe you will be reborn, but as a different man who has no clue of where he has been.

So humans, labor, but live alive and never doubt.

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:30–31

With love

Naomi Nana Mattary