2HER

Written on 26.08.2022 by Naomi Nana Mattary.

Oh, my Child. Here we are sitting in this place and this space at this given time. Should I tell you about the rage? The hate. The pain caused by my silence. And that which was caused by my words. Should I have screamed when he said those hurtful words? Should I have walked away. Should I have been by his side on that day when he needed me the most but I was lost in my head. I remember that sweet voice that said don’t say that, you will hurt him, Don’t do that, you will hurt you. And well yes, I still did it. And I am glad I did it. I asked for some time and he went rogue thinking I am cheating. If I was to count how many times he has asked me for his ‘me’ times. If I could count then I would never understand why he was threatened by my time request. Then there are those times when I get into my head and he gets into his head. The fear of losing each other scares us both. And what scares us, even more, is that our history makes it feel like whatever we have is really strong but hanging on a thread. And all we do is work so hard to hold on to that thread in the hope we might add more threads to hold and finally make it a strong rope. We had a conversation. Finally, a conversation and not a fight. Then we had compensation. I mean you know. And looking back, why did it hurt if we were just confused. How can the mind be so false and wrong most of the time? How can we trust the mind, how can we ever trust the mind. He is a genius of course. In the matters of creativity and creation. I have yet to see a mind that is dull. Unless dulled. With this being said, I wonder how much we hurt ourselves simply because we had a wrong thought. Or the thoughts we had were illusions. Things we have made or caused upon ourselves. How many times do we have a thought about someone or something and we end up wrong. I mean I know me. I know of so many times where I thought one and the thing was seven the whole time. The jump from one to seven is for clarity of measuring how wrong I was. I was completely misled by my thoughts. And ended up hurt, in pain and causing pain to others. SO how many times have I lost someone only because I thought they were doing 1,2 and 3. How many times have I walked away, misled by my thoughts. Hurt by what I thought. Accused and blamed. Hated and felt ashamed. Simply because of a thought I have planted from within. On my very own. Sometimes people plant ideas and thoughts on other people’s minds, but I for one do plant a lot of them on my own. I do not think so well. Sometimes I wonder, do I think at all. For these thoughts are crazy. How can I be taken from this realm and go into my own. In my head. Tell myself what I can tell myself. Think of things that do not exist. Create what was not there and remove, or try to remove what is already there. And how hard it can be sometimes just working on removing thought brought upon myself by my selfish thoughts. Yesterday I was wondering how selfish I can get most of the time. Even my writings are always about me. Never have I really thought on a subject that matters to others and thought of writing it. Never have I ever put others before me. So that is why when we are mad at each other, it is still me who is mad at you. It is me you have wronged. It is me you have done what is unfair to. It is me who is the victim. What a waste. What a time. What a place we are in again and again I will say this. Ps. With artificial intelligence growing so much, we might end up being able to read each other’s thoughts. So, I don’t know if that would be helpful. For the creator knew better to have kept them inside. To have them hidden within us. To have them enclosed. To make sure no one knows about them unless told, advised. And how sweet, we can lie about them. We can lie about what we are thinking about. Or what we are feeling. Or what we feel for a person. Or what we really really think of a certain someone. Or a lot of someone’s. I mean if my thoughts were to come out by any means, I would gladly ask the Lord to recreate the world and we relive the time. I don’t want my ugly thoughts out there. Although, never forget their power. How the world has been built on the foundation of a thought. How wars have started. How peace has been advocated. How the world has innovated and evolved. How we conduct board meetings simply hear their ideas and thoughts. Get a grasp of what they have to share. A simple truth of what is in their minds. What an amazing place to be. That they pay to hear my thoughts. They pay to hear what I have to think about 1, 2, and 3. They want to know what I would have done in a certain space. And the biggest power of influence. That the mind holds so strongly. As it can influence an individual as much as it can influence the whole nation. What a power we have been trusted with. What power we have been given. And yet we reduce ourselves so much by the same power, make it work against us as we battle those ugly thoughts. As we battle to fully use the mind. For our own good. For our benefits. And never against ourselves.

With Love, Naomi Nana Mattary.